The real reason we celebrate… Easter Bunny’s big secret… The mystery behind all those eggs… Here’s why Easter is dumb.
The Origin is Dumb
Excuse Me, Is This Holiday Taken?
Before we get started, let’s back up a second.
Much of Christianity’s beliefs, rituals, and funny hats were taken – er, borrowed – from other religions. It was par for the course back then, cuz nobody had the internet. For example:
- Christianity’s flagship brand, The Holy Trinity™, existed in Hinduism centuries before Jesus took it – oops, borrowed it.
- The thing Christians call their “old testament” is really just the Jewish bible.
- A whole bunch of Christian concepts were taken – I mean borrowed – from Zoroastrianism, like the Garden of Eden, the Great Flood, angels and demons, heaven and hell, and we’re pretty sure also the depressing choral singing.
- Christianity’s belief of magic was actually first seen in early J.K. Rowling novels.
- Believe it or not, Christianity’s recruiting tactics actually came directly from Amway.
Christianity is like that friend who asked to borrow a DVD from you, which you were reluctant to give him because you knew he’d never return it. Then 2,000 years later when you asked for it back, he claimed it was his the whole time.
That’s sorta where Easter came from.
There it was, springtime again, and the Jews were celebrating Passover, and the Anglo-Saxons were celebrating Ēostre the Goddess of Fertility, and here come the Christians all like, “I think Jesus was killed around this time. Yeah, yeah, he definitely was. You guys mind if we join you?”
“Fine, Christianity,” said the Anglo-Saxons. “As long as you don’t steal our holiday name. That might confuse people later into thinking you came up with it.”
The rest is Easter® history, definitely a Christian creation.
Easter’s choice of day is arbitrary at best.
Jesus’s crucifixion definitely, without a doubt happened on a Friday, except that it might have been a Wednesday. Also, it may or may not have been in April, or possibly some other month, and was definitely either in the year 28… or 30, 31, or 33. One of those. Yeah, definitely one of those. And Jesus caught a fish 3 feet long that year! And I think the Cubs beat the Yankees that year. Or maybe it was the other way around. Nobody fucking knows.
Look, we just didn’t keep very good records back then. There were like 6 people at the crucifixion, and 5 of them were illiterate. I think Jebediah might have taken some meeting minutes, but his goat ate most of them.
WHEN JEBEDIAH LEAVES HIS SCROLLS IN THE FEED, JERRY-THE-GOAT OFTEN EATS THEM BY ACCIDENT
Okay, here’s the fun part: Since nobody really knows the date for sure, a bunch of dudes got together and basically just made up a convention for picking Easter’s date every year. I guess they figured while they’re up re-writing the past, why not be revisionist about the future, too.
You ready for this shit? Here’s what they decided: Easter is to be celebrated on the first Sunday after the first full moon occurring after the March equinox, unless that day ends in a 6 or is divisible by 5, then it’s the second Sunday after the first Tuesday after Michael Jackson’s fourth birthday. (We’re paraphrasing.)
Does everyone remember algebra class? Did we all bring our scientific calculators? What kinda crazy monkey shit is that?
All we’re saying is, look, maybe it’s POSSIBLE that when Jesus’s early sales teams were going door-to-door trying to sell Christianity to a bunch of illiterate pagan goat farmers in Kazakhstan, maybe, JUST MAYBE it was easier to sell it to these guys and their goats if they got to keep their pagan spring break party.
Pagan Goat Farmer: “Well, the one I’ve got now has a spring party in April. Does yours?” (spits t’bacca)
Early Christianity Salesman: “Do we have a spring break party? OF COURSE we have a spring break party! We’re KNOWN for them! There’s drinking and maybe a nipple or two if you’re lucky… He was known to turn water into wine, you know.“
The religious version of this holiday boils down to this: an excuse to celebrate Jesus. Which happens to be something any good Christian should do EVERY DAMN DAY ANYWAY, right? That sorta makes this holiday about nothing, doesn’t it?
The Traditions are Dumb
The secular version of this holiday is even more fucked up. Here, we’ll prove it to you.
What Do the Pope and Hugh Hefner Have In Common?
Weird Adult: Hey kid, let’s go visit the Easter Bunny?
Kid: Why? At least Santa gives me shit. E. B. just makes me clean up the yard for a dirty nickel.
Who’s in those scary bunny suits anyway? The kind of Billy-Bob-Thornton-ass creepy dude who dresses up like a giant leporidae and sits in the mall all day putting children on his lap for $8 an hour… That’s probably NOT the kind of dude you want near your children. Just sayin’.
Why the fuck is there an Easter Bunny anyway? And why are we confusing children into thinking bunnies lay eggs? Children, if you’re listening, BUNNIES DON’T LAY EGGS.
We hope kids aren’t going around the rest of the year picking up birds’ eggs and cracking them open to see if there’s a fucking nickel inside. (A baby bird died in that joke.)
Easter Egg Hunts. Need we say more?
Weird Adult Again: Hey Larry, I’m bored. Let’s go check out my backyard and see if there’s any fake eggs with shitty Tootsie Rolls in them. There’s a chance!
Honestly, this makes no fucking sense.
Kids, if you’re listening, spoiler alert: the adults just put those eggs there like 10 minutes ago.
The eggs aren’t even hidden these days; they’re just laying around in the grass like a homeless guy on a park bench wondering how his life got so fucked up, except hopefully they’re not as empty inside.
And of course, then we paint the eggs different colors because Jesus said to Matthew, “Go onto the people, and wear light pinks and yellows in the springtime.” Just kidding. Of course, it’s because Jesus invented tie-dye. He was ahead of his time. Just kidding again. He was kinda the original hippie though, wasn’t he.
Truthfully, we paint eggs for no damn reason whatsoever. The closest we can get is that people used to gift eggs to each other around this time each year. Also for no reason.
In conclusion, bunnies don’t lay eggs, eggs don’t belong in your backyard, they come in two colors – white and brown, and Jesus didn’t invent pastels in springtime. Although if Martha Stewart started a religion, we would join.
Easter is just a bunch of random shit that all got arbitrarily thrown together that does not belong together. Like on Thursday, when mom’s tired of cooking and you make Franken-dinner from the leftovers and have taco-pizza-beef-stroganoff for dinner. Yum!
Basically. we’re forcing a bunch of activities together that don’t really go together, because we think they’re ALL SO AWESOME and we just can’t decide. It’s what would happen when you let your 8-year old plan his own birthday party.
What Should You Do About It?
Proper Use For All Those Eggs
We have a new tradition for us all to start: after you’ve bonded with your family over painting your hard-boiled unborn chicken fetuses for Jesus… throw the eggs at your neighbor’s house!
Now I know what you’re thinking, your parents wouldn’t like that. But hey, they gave you the eggs. And it’s not like you’re gonna eat them. You just smothered them in cancer sauce. You wouldn’t want them to go to waste, right? Just sayin’.
An Easter Tail (See What We Did There?)
How come Santa’s got all this rich story and history, but E.B. doesn’t get diddly squat? It’s bullshit. We need to give the Easter Bunny a backstory.
For instance, where does the Easter Bunny live? The South Pole, since the North Pole is taken? He’s a huge fan of wicker baskets, so maybe the midwest? Maybe Miami, since he’s always in some kind of sparkly vest and no pants and is SUPER interested in “sugar” (cocaine)? Nobody knows!
Or maybe he’s a girl. We’re not judging.
We want you to write a backstory for Mr. and/or Ms. E. Bunny. Submit your best backstory to YHID below and we’ll post our favorite one! What’s in it for you? Easter street cred.
Here are some other questions to consider:
- What does she do the other 364 days out of the year?
- How old is she?
- Is she related to any other famous bunnies?
- Why isn’t she better at HIDING HER FUCKING EGGS? THOSE ARE YOUR CHILDREN, E.B.! FUCK!
- Is she married?
- How does she feel about this year’s The Voice contestants?
- Has she ever tried psychedelic drugs?
- Is her tail really made of cotton?
- What other magic does she have, besides her cockamamie rabbit/bird hybrid mutant egg-laying bullshit?
- Why does she wear a vest but no pants?
Now Buy Our Stuff
Easter is Dumb… The Kid’s Book!
If you’re like us and you don’t want to see your kids grow up thinking rabbits lay eggs, then you’re in luck!
That’s right, we wrote a kids book about the birds and the bees rabbits and the rabbits. We think you’ll be pleased with the approach we took to broaching this oft-avoided hot topic. Buy it on Amazon by clicking below.
Easter is Dumb Shirts
If you truly LOVE Easter, you have to buy these shirts, then wear them while you perform the ritualistic slaughtering of the Easter lamb for Jesus!
One Egg Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
Easter Egg Hunts are like those pictures you had to stare at funny to see correctly. And you don’t have to blur your eyes very much to see that Easter Egg Hunts are Jack Nicholson-level bat shit crazy. Don’t see it? Try removing all the ingredients and replacing them with something else. For example, replace the eggs with vegetables and children with old people. Is it starting to come together? Oh, I see it now! It’s a big steaming turd of boloney!
We’ve chosen this warm, comfortable unisex tee in BRIGHT EASTER FUCKING YELLOW so you can be sure that people will see it and be annoyed. They might just learn something.
Anatomy as Accurate as a Spiderman Comic
Easter is a time for basically allowing any pastel-colored non sequitur carrot mush into our homes and our hearts, no matter how ridiculous or potentially harmful to children it is. For example, rabbits don’t lay eggs. But you already know that, because you stayed awake in 6th grade biology, and because you’ve already purchased our book from the link above.
We picked a basic white tank for this one so you can send an important message to the other moms and look great doing it.
What Would Jesus Wear
It is speculated that in the last hours of his life, Jesus told unto Matthew to lean in real close because he has a secret… Then Jesus pointed to a spot on Matthew’s shirt and said, “You have some fish on your shirt.” When Matthew looked down, Jesus poked him in the face and said, “Made you look!”
We chose a green men’s t-shirt for this one because it was Jesus’s favorite color. It’s also the color of olives and Jesus just LOVES olives. Who woulda thought – a Nazareth boy!