You know about the groundhog named Phil, but do you know the secretive organization behind this 150 year-old rodent? Here’s why Groundhog Day is dumb.
Groundhog Day is an American A-list Holiday. On February 2nd, newscasters will mention it, your Facebook newsfeed will remind you about it, and it will undoubtedly make its way into water cooler conversations around the country. There’s even a Bill Murray movie about it.
It’s time you admit something about Groundhog Day: It’s dumb. How dumb is it? So dumb that we don’t need to say anything else and you already agree that it’s dumb. But how much do you really know about Groundhog Day? Come scratch below the surface. Trust me, however dumb you already know it is, it’s much dumber than you think.
That’s right. Groundhog Day. We dedicated an entire holiday to an annoying rodent that lives in a hole. “Why,” you ask? Of course, so that it can provide us with sophisticated weather forecast information.
What the fuck happened here? Isn’t humanity advanced enough in our meteorological skills to not have to rely on Bill Murray’s nemesis in Caddyshack?
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Of all the lies told in the name of holiday-celebrating, this fucking one is the fucking dumbest.
Come on, a rodent sees his shadow and predicts like two months worth of weather? Channel 3 can’t even seem to get the seven day forecast right.
We’re more apt to believe that on December 25th, and 300-year-old pedophile from the North Pole breaks into my house through my chimney and reverse-robs me. We’re more likely to believe you found a magical rabbit that shits plastic eggs filled with nickels and Tootsie Rolls.
The Traditions are Dumb
We discussed not even talking about fucking stupid this tradition is. “Do we even need to?” we said. Then we learned a little more about it, and yes. Fuck yes, we definitely need to fucking talk about it.
What You Probably Know… And Are Still Somehow Okay With?
In case you don’t know, the tradition goes like this: There’s this groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby from Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Holy mouthful. On February 2nd, this little guy comes out of his hole to predict the weather. If Phil sees his shadow, that’s his way of predicting 6 more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t, then spring will come early.
Take that in. Even if you don’t believe it (which you shouldn’t, or else we’ve got some beachfront property to sell you), even if you don’t believe it, you have to at least acknowledge that it’s the premise behind one of the most well-known holidays in America.
What You DON’T Know
Okay, now stay with me, because in case you didn’t think that’s weird enough, it’s about to get batshit banana monkey balls Jesus tap-dancing crazy.
An elite, secretive society called the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club basically created and manages this affair each year, as they have for over 100 years. They wear top hats and tuxedos and read from scrolls and the whole thing is all a bit too Stanley Kubrick-y for an American Holiday, in my opinion.
The Last Time We Let Crazy People Celebrate Their Beliefs, We Had to Raid the Branch Davidians
But wait, it gets better. The Punxsutawney Groundhog Club claims there is only ONE groundhog that has lived for 125 years to make each year’s weather predictions since 1886, and he (Phill, the groundhog) is sustained by drinks of “groundhog punch” administered at the annual Groundhog Picnic. Right. Someone’s definitely drinking the punch, but we don’t think it’s the rodent.
We’re not making this up, because we don’t have to.
Okay, last one. After making his prediction, Phil (the rodent… we’re still talking about a rodent) speaks to the Club President in “Groundhogese”, which only the current president of the club can understand, and then his (rodent) prediction is translated for the entire world. Last time grandma tried speaking to us in “Groundhogese” we put her in a home. Now she eats her dessert pudding with a plastic spoon.
Despite All That…
Phil (RODENT) has been correct in his predictions less than 50% of the time. Which means you’d be more accurate flipping a coin. You’d be more accurate if you hired 2016 election pollsters to help with Phil’s decision. You’d be more accurate if you dropped a bunch of hamsters down a Plinko board. You’d be more accurate if you asked a groundhog if he saw his… oh wait.
Even if it were true, what’s the tradition of this holiday anyway? Six more weeks of winter? What am I supposed to do with that information? I’m not a fucking farmer. Seriously, who is learning this information and somehow changing their behavior? Maybe it helps Stephen Spielberg know to not let George Lucas out of his cage for a while longer.
What Should You Do About It?
Well, you could come up with some not-ridiculous-at-all ritual that could easily go in its place. We just so happen to have some other ways you can celebrate your Groundhog Day (that also happen to not make any fucking sense):
- Get marriage counseling from a bunny rabbit.
- Contract a beaver to patch that hole in your fence.
- Hire a flock of birds to finish your geometry homework.
- Maybe just stop celebrating all together?
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