From the creepy traditions to the origins that are so bad they’re scary, here’s why Halloween is dumb.
The Origin is Dumb
There is NO Monster Under Your Bed
Holidays become holidays when there’s this thing that we all believe, and once a year, we want to remind ourselves. For example:
- Memorial Day reminds us of veterans that fought and died in the name of our country.
- Christmas reminds us that love in fact can be measured, and that if you really love her the most, buy it at Tiffany & Co.
- Thanksgiving reminds us before committing genocide on a race of people, have them teach you how to farm on their land first.
- Independence Day reminds us that British people are all twats and America is fucking awesome. Fucking A, these colors don’t run.
- You get the idea.
So, Halloween… What’s the thing we all believe that we want to be reminded of on Halloween? You have no fucking idea. Nobody knows. And do you know what? Nobody cares. Just leave you alone, you just wanna celebrate it, right? Like when you go visit grandpa on his birthday and his alzheimer’s is flaring up and he has no idea who you are. You’re gonna eat that damn birthday cake anyway.
What Do Batman and the Devil Have In Common?
… they’re both trust fund babies!
We used to think that Halloween was the day the dead came back to life. But that was a really long time ago. Like back when we believed that leeches could cure diseases, and Rick Astley was a good musician. (Gotcha!)
Nobody believes that Alex Jones-level crazy-ass horseshit today. That shit is Mickey Mouse and we all know it. We all celebrate Halloween even though we all know that the reason we celebrate it is fake, fake, faker than John Travolta’s Face.
And that’s pretty weird, isn’t it? All of us humans just collectively lying to ourselves. Like everyone just collectively going along with believing that deflating the ball didn’t help Tom Brady win the superbowl, or that reality TV isn’t turning our brains to mush, or that Kid Rock doesn’t stand a chance at winning the presidency in 2020. Because collective denial is more convenient and, dammit, FEELS SO GOOD SOMETIMES.
So if it’s not about the dead people thing… what exactly are we celebrating at Halloween? C’mon, you know it and I know it, so let’s just cut the crap and say it together. One. Two. Three: We like dressing up like fucking Batman.
The Traditions are Dumb
Crazy Is As Crazy Does
That’s right. We looooove excuses to do the stuff society doesn’t normally let us do. Let’s do some scenarios: If we make it to Successful Hollywood Executive, apparently we’re allowed to pull our dick out in public. At weddings, we’re allowed to get completely shit-faced and embarrass ourselves on the dance floor. These are rules!
Halloween is the one day out of the year we’re all allowed to act like complete lunatics without fearing any judgement.
And that’s just what Halloween is: it’s the one day out of the year we’re all allowed to act like complete lunatics without fearing any judgement. It’s the day we collectively undo the top button on our sanity pants. What if Bob from Accounting showed up to work on a Thursday in August wearing a Spiderman leotard? You have children, Bob. Get some professional help, for God’s sake.
So all the adults get to be lunatics and dress up… but playing dress-up is fairly standard protocol for children – nothing lunatic-y about it for them, right? Right. So we gotta step it up a notch. For the kids. I wonder what we could have them do that’s totally batshit crazy…
Candy From Strangers
Don’t take candy from strangers, children. Unless it’s October 31st, it’s dark, and you’re dressed like Elsa for the third year in a row, in which case, take candy from EVERY FUCKING STRANGER YOU CAN FIND. Here’s a totally rational conversation I overheard one time…
Adult #1, inventor of trick-or-treating: “I have an idea: It’s late October; let’s dress our children up like a Pokémon pika-whatever-the-fuck and parade them around to strangers’ houses and beg for candy.”
Adult #2, sane, rational person: “Why?”
Adult #1: “I want to teach them a valuable life lesson: if you want something in life, you should just beg your neighbor for it.”
Adult #2: “I see. And if the neighbor DOESN’T give them the candy, then our kids will learn the important value of DOING THE HARD WORK FOR THEMSELVES?”
Adult #1: “Fuck no, then they egg the fucker’s house. Duh.”
Adult #2: “How do you know the candy will be safe? They’d be collecting dozens of candies from totally random strangers.”
Adult #1: “Oh it won’t be. It will definitely be poisonous, death candy.”
And WTF Trick or Treat
And if the neighbor doesn’t provide candy, the tradition is to do something mean to their house. What the fuck, really? HOW DID THESE BECOME THE TWO OPTIONS?
Not only is Trick-or-treating a SUPER strange and unfair proposition, but …really? These people are your neighbors. They’re going to know it was you. You see them on your way to work. “That’s my neighbor, Jeff. One time, I didn’t give him a Fun Size Snickers bar, so he keyed my car. It’s cool though. It’s a tradition!” [Thumbs up emoji]
That’s why we created this site, trickortreatgenerator.com. Because doing random nice things is just as arbitrary as doing random mean things, but choosing nice things usually turns out way more helpful when you need to borrow some sugar.
Click below and we’ll provide you some ideas of nice things that you can do. We’ve also provided some mean things, because hey, we don’t judge.
The Decorations are Dumb
At least Halloween has a niche: it’s the ONE holiday that tries to evoke NEGATIVE emotions – fear, pain, anger… So when it comes to decorations, everybody at least honors that distinction, right?
Nope. They gotta “fun” that shit up.
C’mon people. Please, on Halloween, do us all a favor: no “fun” lights or blow-up smiling ghosts or happy fucking witches in your front yard. Goblins aren’t supposed to be jovial; Spiders don’t smile; THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT. Stick to the theme, people. You get to be happy on Christmas and Valentine’s and a million other crappy holidays.
Just please give us this! Just please, for the love of Jehovah’s ghost, quit making all of our evil shit so goddamn friendly and approachable. You are getting your stupid happy jizm all over my bad time.
Now Buy Our Stuff
Halloween is Dumb Stuff
We see Halloween as a great opportunity to boycott Halloween, and we’ve got some great stuff to help!
Click below to start shopping for some stuff that you can wear at Halloween YEAR AFTER YEAR!
It’s time to finally be honest with yourself – you’re not a superhero. You can’t stop trains to save a damsel’s life. You can barely lift a finger to help your wife cook potroast.
And seeing as how you’re an adult and all, you probably shouldn’t dress like a superhero either. It’s weird and sad and should be reserved for pedophiles and guys with sheds full of taxidermy.
Instead, proudly wear this shirt! We guarantee people will think you look SO AMAZING in it that they’ll likely confuse you for a superhero anyway. Bam! Childhood fantasies made true! And you didn’t even have to put on spandex or pretend to go to the gym.
Trick-or-treating is pretty messed up… What’s that? You have an idea for an activity that’s definitely weird and definitely teaches my children ALL THE WRONG MESSAGES? Fuckit, sign me up! After that, I’ll teach them about running up the stairs with scissors and putting tinfoil in the microwave.
Admit it: If you have kids, you’re gonna have to trick-or-treat. So you might as well do it in style!
Bring this bag with you to collect all that scaaaary (and probably-poisonous) Halloween candy. That way, you can passive-aggressively let everyone know that you’re quietly protesting the whole thing. Hey, if there’s any day of the year to let your inner demons out, it’s Halloween!
“I don’t dress up…” Trucker
This hat is great for two things: Keeping the sun out of your eyes, and making other adults feel ridiculous for donning a cape and plastic vampire fangs on October 31st.
This hat is great for costume parties, trick-or-treating, that stupid dress-up-to-work-Friday thing that Sharon from Accounting convinced HR to agree to where they put orange food coloring in a punchbowl of Sprite and tell you the grapes are “eye balls” and you try really hard to kill yourself by slamming your head in the copy machine… Oh, and also, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, weddings, funerals, and SO MANY MORE occasions that we simply can’t list them all.
Whenever you wear this hat, people (or the sun) won’t bother you. Women/men will find you more attractive. Bosses will give you more money and more time off. You’ll get to skip the Starbucks line. You’ll catch every fish. But most importantly, you WON’T have to wear a Halloween costume.
And Much More!