Celebrating Independence Day is operating under two assumptions: America is better off sovereign, and it happened on July 4th. You’re about to choke on your Coca-cola and load your gun, cuz we’re going to tackle them both.
The truth about American motivations, an honest look at our history, and putting our traditions under the microscope. There’s gonna be some fireworks. Here’s why Independence Day is dumb.
This is a disclaimer, because we here at YHID do in fact love America (and because we don’t want to get shot). And because we know how this country loves its violence. It’s kinda our thing. I mean, Rocky won three Oscars, for fuck’s sake. It kinda fits, given that this country was born and came of age amidst violence. So please, if you get angry, no violence. But we digress. Instead, try sending some nice hate mail. Okay, on with it.
The Origin is Dumb
Don’t Know Much About History
As we all know, Americans celebrate Independence Day on July 4th each year because on that day in 1776, we signed the US Constitution into law, officially making the United States a sovereign nation for the first time. Yay freedom!
Nope. That’s wrong. Sorry, we just lied to you. Here’s the real truth:
July 4th was actually the day that the British surrendered, in one final bloody battle at Lexington. After the victory, Paul Revere rode through the night to tell George Washington of the news. Meanwhile, John Hancock was composing the Declaration of Independence while Sam Adams was brewing some delicious summer ale for the troops. It was summertime, so you want something light, you know? Not too much hops, and a nice citrus finish. Meanwhile, Benjamin Franklin was busy designing the $100 bill, and Thomas Jefferson was playing his famous ping pong duel with Abraham Lincoln. The score was 4 to 7. There was a speech about it.
Hold on to your hot dog, because none of that was true either. Except for the part about wanting a light beer in the summer time. That’s always true. We’re not barbarians.
But you probably didn’t catch our lies. Because, well, you’re a bad American. There, we said it.
Fear not, because you’re not alone. Not knowing our history is a theme in America, and the Revolutionary War is no exception. The majority of Americans don’t know basic facts about the war for our independence, like what century we fought it in, or even from whom we gained our independence.
So Independence Day is a day of celebrating a nation’s history by a bunch of people don’t know the history of the nation.
Pretty Please, With Cherries?
So what actually happened on July 4th, 1776? …Okay, do you give up? Basically, the (soon-to-be) United States wrote down on a piece of paper that we want to be independent. The war had already begun, and would continue for 7 more years. Yeah, go look it up. We did NOT have independence on July 5th, 1776. So I guess you could more accurately call this holiday “We Want Independence Day”… but that doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it.
We wanted independence, so we just wrote down on paper that we wanted independence. I wish I could just write things down and then they just magically came true. Let’s try it… I would like a million dollars, new tile flooring in my bathroom, and a bigger dick. Fingers crossed, everyone.
The Grass is Always Red, White, and Bluer…
You might be saying, so what if we technically didn’t achieve anything on July 4th so many years ago. This is ‘Murica – them details ain’t that ‘potant. What’s important is the symbolism of independence. Surely, we can all agree that having independence from Britain is better than not having it, right?
Maybe yes. Maybe no. It’s like saying it would be really awesome if we could breed cats that were 30 feet tall and had mega brains. Maybe it would be pretty cool, or maybe we’d all be enslaved by a race of giant cat monsters. We just don’t know.
I mean, if we were still a colony, we might refer to french fries as “chips.” That’s fun, right? The Beatles might’ve played Ed Sullivan much sooner. David Bowie might not have died. Elvis might’ve been given a knighthood. WHO KNOWS?
What Would America Be Like?
This got us thinking… What would America be like if we lost the Revolutionary War, and we were still a British colony?
We created this website to help. Click below to visit ifamericalost.com and learn all about the British States of America – a fake country from an alternate universe where the Red Coats just kept coming and coming.
To Quote Don McLean, “Long, Long Time Ago…”
I guess the point is we have no idea what our country would be like if we were still under British rule, because we gained our independence almost 250 years ago.
That’s a looooong time ago, people. There’s no one alive who knew anyone that was alive when this shit went down. Yo mama wuddn’t even that old, and yo mama so old, that, well, you get the point.
It’s a different world now. We were hardly even America yet. When we gained our independence, men wore tights and women couldn’t vote. We bathed once a week and used words like “poppycock.” There were no cat videos on the internet. No Wal-mart. No baseball. Music still sounded like violins and sad people. There were no Ford F-150s or Wonder Bread or Doritos. Internet porn was just, like, asking your neighbor if you could watch.
It was so long ago. If only there were some way we could possibly glean some insight into what it might have been like if we hadn’t won our independence and we were still a British colony. If only there were some other country, also in North America, that didn’t fight some bloody battle to gain independence from the British in 1776… Oh, wait.
Here’s where the hate mail starts rolling in. (They’re not going to say Canada is awesome, right? Because America is WAY BETTER than stupid, dumb Canada, right? Who needs their lower murder rate, lower rate of incarceration, lower healthcare costs, increased free time, longer lifespans, better unemployment rate, nicer people, better infant mortality rate, and saying the word “about” in a funner way. WE HAVE SUPERBOWL AND HONEY BOO BOO. So fuck off, Canada, ey!)
Look, we’re not saying all those things are the case because of the whole no-independence-from-Britain thing. We’re just saying that shit is so different now compared to 200 years ago that there’s really no way of knowing for sure. Can we assume that if Bill O’Reilly had sex with Kellyanne Conway, the State Puff Marshmallow man would rise up and terrorize New York City? We just don’t know, people. We just don’t know.
Okay, so independence from those wankers across the Atlantic may or may not have changed our 21st century America for the better or worse. But hey, at least we still hate them, right? That part has remained true and valid over the centuries, right? Nope.
In fact, the US and Britain were trade partners again faster than Abe Lincoln could grow his creepy pedophile-banker beard. Seriously, look at that thing. (Did they just dis Honest Abe Lincoln’s beard??? Wait, are pedophile bankers a thing and I missed it?)
Sure, we’ve had our differences, us and the Brits, but lately, the we’ve been like Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. In fact, they’ve been one of our best allies for much of our short history, including the World Wars, the Iraq War, and whatever you call the war that Simon Cowell waged to destroy all good music everywhere.
Yep, being friendly with the Brits is as American as a Bald Eagle watching NASCAR.
You know who the US has hated more recently? The French. And hold onto your Pizza Hut, because guess what: the French were the ones who helped us win our independence in the first place! Later, they even gave us a gift to commemorate our victory over the Brits. We hung it on our front porch with pride, and named it the Statue of Fucking Liberty. Oh, irony. Or as the French would say, “Oh, ironie.” (It always sounds better in French.)
I mean, what’s the statute of limitations on this our-independence-is-the-shit-let’s-celebrate-every-fucking-year thing? At what point does the celebrating become antiquated or irrelevant? At what point has the apple pie been sitting out too long, and it’s turned into shitty, cinnamon-y, runny mush.
If your football team wins the Super Bowl, everyone parades down Main Street. But when Bobby from accounting still isn’t coming to work six months later, Bobby is outa line. Come back to work, Bobby. Your accounts payables are piling up.
The Traditions are Dumb
Baby, you’re a firework
Let’s be honest about the real reason we’re celebrating on July 4th – a holiday that might be more appropriately named America Fuck Yeah Day: Because America is awesome and we all love a good excuse to remind each other.
And what better way to celebrate America Fuck Yeah Day than by blowing shit up.
Fireworks are by far the most retarded thing humankind has ever invented. “Hey Frank, let’s honor our country by gettin’ drunk and blowin’ shit up. I’ve got some explosives that are illegal in 48 states and definitely shouldn’t be handled by children. Let’s get the kids out here.”
There are only two types of fireworks: those lame-ass ones, and the John-Wayne-punching-James-Dean-in-the-face-apache-helicopter-explosion-Bruce-Willis-machine-gun genocide death sticks. There’s no in-between happy fireworks. It’s either 30 seconds sparkler masturbation, or it’s take-my-damn-hand-off, rocket launcher, Rambo-ass, America is free and I wanna go to the ER tonight kind of shit.
But we don’t even need to tell you why fireworks are dumb. We don’t need to cite the statistics. As you read this, secretly, somewhere deep down inside you, you were already like, “Yeah, they’re right.” But you don’t want to admit it to yourself, for the same reason you don’t wanna think about your mom when you masturbate – it would …just ruin it.
And that’s it. That’s the only tradition. Something about freedom, then lighting ourselves on fire with shit that was probably made in China.
Where There’s Smoke…
Some people might add another tradition to 4th of July: bar-be-que. (Or is it barbeque? Or BBQ? WTF.)
Seriously? That’s not a tradition. That’s just cooking outside. Which part of that is special? That you’re outside in the summer time? Seriously. Go outside more often.
Hate Mail Generator
We wanted to help you channel your hatred into something constructive, so we created this Hate Mail Generator!
Are you full of hatred, but not great with words? Hate Mail Generator might be perfect for you! Simply fill in the adjectives, nouns, and other descriptors, and let Hate Mail Generator do the rest! It’s hate mail made easy!DOWNLOAD HATE MAIL GENERATOR
Simply print out the Hate Mail Generator, fill it in, and mail it to:
c/o Hate Mail
P.O. Box 777651
Henderson, NV 89077
We can’t wait to hear from you!
Now Buy Our Stuff
Independence Day is Dumb Shirts
1776 called, they want their t-shirts back.
But seriously, here are the shirts that George Washington and Thomas Jefferson would want you to have. So put down your Bud Light and click the SHOP button below. Because hey, it’s shopping – and if there are two things that are super duper American, they are shopping and pretending you’re from Canada when you’re traveling abroad.
Besides, if you don’t buy one of these shirts, a bald eagle will have a bad day. You don’t want a bald eagle to have a bad day, do you?
… and more!