Here’s Why St. Patrick’s Day is Dumb (So Buy Our Stuff)

posted in: Holidays That Are Dumb | 39

It’s all wrong, from the way we celebrate down to the color green. Here’s why celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in America is dumb. 

Sham Rocks


V V GO RIGHT TO BUYING STUFF V V


Happy Liars DayChart of liars on St Patrick's Day

Raise your hand if you’re Irish. Now put your hand down, you bloody liar.

Half of Americans celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, but only about 10% of Americans claim Irish ancestry. Even 10% feels a little high to me. I think people are playing pretty fast and loose with their heritage-claiming. That’s like 7 times the population of Ireland, by the way.

And let’s be honest, we don’t even know why we celebrate this holiday anyway. We just do.

St. Patrick’s Day in America is really just about Americans spending one day of the year drinking excessively (which we usually do anyway), and basically just recognizing that Ireland is a country, that it exists, and that it’s over that way somewhere [points right].

St. Patrick’s Day in America is really just about spending one day a year recognizing that Ireland exists.

In fact, we’ve done a fantastic job of personifying Ireland. Thanks to St. Patrick’s Day, we’ve reduced the country, its people, and its culture down to a caricature of themselves (usually a leprechaun) which is just awful. Two thousand years of history and almost five million people reduced down to a meme, like Star Wars Kid or Yes Baby. We’ve made St. Patrick’s Day the Instant Cheese of holidays.

By the way, you could write anything on Yes Baby and it works, it just works, dammit. See what we mean?…


That meme baby works every time


Uncle Sam Wants CupcakesWhat’s Good for the Green…

As we all know, St. Patrick was the patron saint of funny hats who invented parades and drinking lots of beer. No, that’s not it. But you have no fucking idea, do you? Well, then we’ll tell you.

Once upon a time (a real fucking long time ago), there was this guy St. Patrick who did some good stuff for Ireland, and so they celebrate him. (He converted a bunch of Pagans to Christianity. Yay, Christianity!) The end.

Tell me again why we celebrate that in America? That would be like everyone in Ireland getting together on July 4th and drinking Bud Light and dressing up like Uncle Sam and shooting up Planned Parenthood to celebrate America’s Independence Day. And that just doesn’t work. Uncle Sam was always such a stern fella. No fun in that.

And yet despite all that, Americans will spend over $4 billion and drink 3 million pints of Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day.


The Traditions are Dumb

Drinking on St. Patrick's Day is SOOO AmericanAmerica – the largest melting pot this side of the Atlantic – just loves stealing other cultures’ traditions, then shitting all over them.

  • Step 1: Strip it of its pre-existing meaning and customs so it’s guaranteed to add ZERO value to life.
  • Step 2: Make up a bunch of NEW bullshit traditions that are WAY more fun, because we need to guarantee we’ll look ridiculous doing them. There could be funny hats… Maybe throw some drinking in there!
  • Step 3: Don’t give any shits about what the original culture’s opinion might be of your stolen and molested new custom.

And so we did with St. Paddy’s. We yoga’ed that shit. We Washington Redskinned that shit. The Irish even have a name for this – they call it Plastic Paddy.

Let’s explore some.

Let’s Do Irish Car Bombs, Bro

The primary American tradition on St. Patrick’s Day? Drinking. A lot.

Which I guess is supposed to be some sort of homage to how the Irish might celebrate this special day? This isn’t just stereotypical – it’s wrong.

Americans basically invented binge party drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, you heard me. Americans. Take it in. We probably have Budweiser to thank. (Historically, bars were closed on St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland.)

So just in case you’re keeping track, America did NOT invent waffles, Chinese food, or the Ménage à trois, but we DID invent drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. Mind blown yet?

Slow, Drunk Walking

That’s okay, at least St. Patrick’s Day parades are a customary cultural thingy from the Emerald Isle, right? That must be an import with genuine cultural history… because parades are boring as shit. Wrong again.

America invented parades on St. Patrick’s Day, because holy shit, we love parades. And because why not? Who doesn’t love standing around and watching a bad talent show in slow motion? There’s papier-mâché and Snoopy and all sorts of other mediocre shit people made in their garage!

And please don’t say “top o’ the morning to ya.” No one in Ireland fucking says that. You’re embarrassing all of us.

Not all Irish people are leprechaunsOh, and if you’re kissing people because they’re Irish, sorry, you’re doing that wrong, too. It’s the Blarney Stone you’re supposed to kiss, not random drunk people with green buttons on, and not on St. Patrick’s Day. God Sandra, you’re such a slut sometimes.

It’s So Easy Being Green

Let me blow your mind again. The original St. Patrick didn’t even wear green. I wonder if he got pinched a lot. He wasn’t even fucking Irish. Nor was he a real-life leprechaun. (Those aren’t real, btw.)

In fact, St. Patrick’s official color was blue. Like the color of sadness that he feels when he sees what we’ve done to his special day. Where’d green come from? We just sort of associate Ireland with green, sort of the way we associate Willie Nelson with weed, or professional football players with beating their girlfriends.

And that might be fine for another country. But this is America. And whenever America likes something, we have to shove as much of it in our mouths as possible until our cheeks puff out and we can hardly breath, then we shove a little more in. We invented the monster truck and the NRA. Dammit, if we’re gonna wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, we’re gonna take it to 11. And that’s what we did.

In Chicago, they love green on St. Patrick’s day SO MUCH that dye their river green. Apparently, they want their own Ninja Turtles.

And the green beer, oh, the green beer, what the fuck.

By the way, if you pinch me for not wearing green, I’m gonna lepre-kick you in the balls.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Chicago Chapter: Coming Soon


What Should You Do About It?

For one, please, PLEASE, for God’s sake, don’t say “top o’ the morning to ya” all day long. Just go 24 fucking hours without saying it. For humanity.

Also, since we Americans don’t really know why we’re celebrating in the first place, let’s help propagate some false accomplishments of Saint Patrick, just for fun! I’ll get us started:

  • Saint Patrick invented hopscotch.
  • He coined the expression ‘tally ho.’
  • He didn’t invent pancakes, but he was the first to put chocolate chips in them.
  • He was the first person to ever say, “that’s what she said” as innuendo. It was VERY funny the first time. You had to be there.
  • He didn’t let the dogs out, but you better believe he was part of the search team who got them home again safe and sound.
  • He coined the term ‘déjà vu’ after attending a summit in the French Alps for the second time and swearing that he’d met that girl before.
  • It was his idea to put jelly inside donuts.
  • He invented holding your breath.
  • He invented haircuts.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!


Now Buy Our Stuff


A Real-ish “Blarney Stone” 

Since Americans obviously care so much about Irish authenticity, We’re selling this totally probably (in)authentic “Blarney Stone!”

That’s right, you send me $10 and your mailing address, and we’ll send you a probably-not-real-but-maybe-is “Blarney Stone,” so you can kiss it, because we think that’s good luck or maybe gets you laid or something, who really knows. Why is “Blarney Stone” in quotes? So we don’t get sued. You know, by the Blarney family.

Your “Blarney Stone” will come with a Certificate of Inauthenticity which proves that it is a stone of some kind, and that it may or may not be the real Blarney Stone.

PAY $10. GET A TOTALLY PROBABLY NOT REAL 'BLARNEY STONE'

Or if you’re the kind of person who still has a phone with a cord on it or thinks that “computers are scary,” you can send a check or money order for $10 to:

GA Ventures

c/o Blarney Stone

P.O. Box 777651

Henderson, NV 89077

Be sure to include your return address! (US Only)


St. Patrick’s Day is Dumb Shirts and Stuff


“This is my St. Patrick’s Day T-Shirt.” Tees. Available in Black.

Wearing green in America on St. Patrick’s Day is dumb and you know it. That’s why we’ve created for you this festive (black) St. Patrick’s Day t-shirt!

This super high quality, comfy (and black) tee is the perfect shirt for non-Irish on St. Pat’s Day (basically all of us). Wear it with pride, and when other non-Irish pinch you for not wearing green, punch them in the face.

CLICK HERE TO SHOP


“I’m not kissing you because you’re not Irish.” Tees and Pins

The “I’m not kissing you because you’re not Irish” line is sure to inspire the consumption of green beer and green felt top hats, just in time for the only holiday that typically comes with bossy pins. The best part is it’s all for a good cause! …Reminding people that celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in America is dumb.

CLICK HERE TO SHOP


39 Responses

  1. Captain McBoobypants

    I’m don’t think far enough ahead to buy your stuff for next year’s St. Patrick’s Day, and it’s too late to buy your stuff for this year. What am I supposed to do?!??!
    When you write your send-up of Easter (hint, its origins have nothing to do with Jesus), be sure to do it at least a week ahead of time so that we can buy and wear your stuff!

    • Tim Simmons

      Fantastic idea, Captain! That idea’s better than green beer for St Patrick! That idea’s better than getting drunk before launching fireworks on Fourth of July! That idea’s better than dressing up like an idiot and soliciting strangers for candy on Halloween!

  2. נערות ליווי ברמלה

    Id like to thank you for the efforts you have put in penning this site. Im hoping to see the same high-grade blog posts by you in the future as well. In fact, your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get my own site now 😉

  3. zoritoler imol

    A lot of of the things you assert is supprisingly precise and it makes me ponder the reason why I hadn’t looked at this with this light previously. This article truly did switch the light on for me personally as far as this particular subject matter goes. But there is actually one point I am not too cozy with and whilst I try to reconcile that with the core theme of your point, permit me see just what the rest of the subscribers have to say.Very well done.

  4. zoritoler imol

    Great write-up, I?¦m regular visitor of one?¦s web site, maintain up the nice operate, and It’s going to be a regular visitor for a long time.

  5. vorbelutr ioperbir

    Hello there, just became alert to your blog thru Google, and located that it is truly informative. I am gonna watch out for brussels. I will be grateful should you continue this in future. Numerous other people can be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

  6. Trinh

    Thank you for the good writeup. It actually used to be a
    leisure account it. Glance advanced to far
    introduced agreeable from you! By the way, how can we communicate?

  7. Wynona

    My brother suggested I may like this website. He was once totally right.
    This publish truly made my day. You can not believe simply how much time I had spent for this info!

    Thank you!

  8. Terril

    My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find almost all of your post’s
    to be exactly what I’m looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content
    for you personally? I wouldn’t mind creating a post or elaborating on most of the subjects you write regarding here.
    Again, awesome blog!

  9. Develle

    Right here is the perfect website for anybody who
    would like to understand this topic. You understand a whole lot its almost tough to argue with you (not that I personally will need to…HaHa).

    You definitely put a fresh spin on a topic
    that has been written about for ages. Great stuff, just excellent!

  10. Mattlock

    Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it.
    Look advanced to far added agreeable from you!
    However, how can we communicate?

  11. Van

    Hey there, You’ve done a great job. I’ll definitely digg it and personally suggest to my friends.

    I’m confident they will be benefited from this web site.

  12. Mayra

    Nice weblog here! Also your website a lot up very
    fast! What web host are you the use of? Can I get your
    affiliate hyperlink on your host? I want my web site loaded
    up as fast as yours lol

  13. Fernando

    I truly love your website.. Very nice colors & theme.
    Did you make this web site yourself? Please reply back as I’m planning to create my very own blog and
    would like to learn where you got this from or exactly
    what the theme is named. Many thanks!

  14. Patricia

    Having read this I thought it was rather enlightening.

    I appreciate you finding the time and energy to put this content together.
    I once again find myself personally spending a significant amount
    of time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it
    was still worth it!

  15. Frederick

    I used to be recommended this website by my
    cousin. I’m not sure whether this submit is written by him as nobody else understand
    such specified approximately my difficulty.
    You are amazing! Thank you!

  16. Jayson

    Hello there, I found your site via Google while looking for
    a similar topic, your website came up, it appears to be like good.
    I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
    Hello there, just changed into aware of your weblog thru Google, and found
    that it is truly informative. I am gonna watch out for
    brussels. I will appreciate should you continue this in future.
    A lot of people will probably be benefited from your writing.
    Cheers!

  17. Hosea

    These are in fact fantastic ideas in regarding blogging.
    You have touched some good points here. Any way keep up wrinting.

  18. Kari

    I like what you guys are usually up too. This kind of clever work and coverage!

    Keep up the awesome works guys I’ve incorporated you guys to my personal blogroll.

  19. FC 24 Free Coins

    Magnificent site. Lots of useful info here. I am sending it to a
    few friends ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thank you
    to your sweat!

  20. tlover tonet

    Awesome blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A theme like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog jump out. Please let me know where you got your design. Bless you

  21. Slotbom88

    That is the precise weblog for anyone who desires to seek out out about this topic. You understand so much its virtually arduous to argue with you (not that I really would need…HaHa). You positively put a new spin on a subject thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!

  22. G12 bulb replacement

    hey there and thank you to your info – I’ve definitely picked up something new from right here. I did on the other hand expertise a few technical points the usage of this site, since I skilled to reload the web site a lot of instances previous to I may just get it to load properly. I were brooding about if your web hosting is OK? No longer that I’m complaining, however sluggish loading instances times will often affect your placement in google and can damage your high quality score if advertising and ***********|advertising|advertising|advertising and *********** with Adwords. Well I am adding this RSS to my email and could glance out for much extra of your respective intriguing content. Make sure you replace this again very soon..

  23. Priscilla

    Hello my family member! I want to say that this article
    is amazing, great written and include almost all significant infos.
    I’d like to look more posts like this .

  24. google maps seo

    I will right away clutch your rss as I can not find your email subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Kindly permit me understand in order that I may subscribe. Thanks.

  25. cell phone hackers for hire

    I was very pleased to find this web-site.I wanted to thanks for your time for this wonderful read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you blog post.

  26. hire a hacker online

    The next time I learn a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I imply, I know it was my option to read, but I truly thought youd have one thing interesting to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you possibly can repair if you werent too busy looking for attention.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *