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Happy Nothing Day
What puts the ‘holi’ in holiday? One might argue it’s two things:
- A recognized annual celebration of a shared history, and
- A tradition or two.
Let’s do some examples together.
Christmas
- Shared History: Jesus was born.
- Tradition: Macy’s puts cool shit in their window and TBS plays A Christmas Story for 24 hours so we can all watch Ralphie shoot his eye out 12 times.
Thanksgiving
- Shared history: We hung out with the Indians this one time before we massacred them all, and now they have casinos.
- Tradition: We eat a lot.
Okay, that last one was a bad example, but you get the point.
This “holiday” Labor Day has neither. No presents. No drinking. No lighting shit on fire. No taking candy from strangers. No writing creepy cards for your crush, Nichole. She doesn’t even know who you are, Billy. You just sat in the back of the class and didn’t say a word to her all semester, and now all of a sudden, just because it’s Valentine’s Day, you expect her to go to first base with you? This isn’t the movie Twilight. You’ve got a lot to learn about women, Billy.
Labor Day is SO BALONEY, it’s making me hungry for Wonder Bread! Labor Day is NO MORE A HOLIDAY than reality TV shows are based in reality. It’s no more a holiday than FOX News is fair and balanced. It’s is no more a holiday than Hot Pockets® are food. It’s no more a holiday than Jeff Goldblum is an actor. You get the idea.
The Origin is Dumb
There is basically no origin to this holiday. Seriously, look it up if you don’t believe us. Basically, some dudes just said we should celebrate it. And now we do. What. the. fuck. From now on, everyone needs to refer to me as Lord Giganto Johnson III. There, now you have to do it. Because I said so.
Now, you might argue that congress passed it because there was a growing unrest near the turn of the twentieth century in our nation amidst increasingly poor worker conditions, and politicians wanted to placate them with some conciliatory empty gesture which doesn’t mean a damn thing toward fixing the problem – ONE day off. But we would argue that’s WORSE.
Manufacturing (Holidays) in America
What’s so bad about that anyway, right? No harm, no foul, right? Or is the expression ‘no harm, no fowl’? As in, if you do harm, you don’t get any delicious chicken? Why would they threaten your chicken? So random.
Anyway, it sounds all harmless, until more dumb shit happens. And then more. And then you’re sitting atop a mountain of shit that’s stinking it up more than that Avengers sequel. Labor Day might just have been the one that opened Pandora’s Box.
See, Labor Day is America’s gateway drug, except without all the munchies and playing Pink Floyd albums over movies. Labor Day set the bar low. Thanks to the stupidity and pointlessness of celebrating Labor Day, people all over the country were inspired to create their own ideas for bullshit holidays. We should thank Labor Day for the fact that there’s a holiday every goddamn day of the year now.
Like National Haircut Day. You can’t turn around without it being National Fucking Cheese Day or National Rubber Ducky Day or National Accordion Awareness Month or National Bubba Day or National Die on a Toilet Day or National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friends Day or whatever. And those examples are ALL SO RIDICULOUS that we made ONE of them up just to fuck with you, and you can’t even tell which one. Go ahead, click the links.
There are two or three of these bullshit holidays each day now. It’s way too much celebrating. It’s exhausting. How do you celebrate National Rubber Ducky Day anyway? By finally telling your parents that Bert… isn’t just your roommate? C’mon Ernie, it’s 2017. Be brave.
The creation of new holidays has become the lawless wild west. People are literally just declaring this shit, and then it’s a thing. It’s the holiday equivalent to giving consolation prizes, which we all know is probably not a good thing. Remember that time we gave Nicholas Cage an Oscar?
The Traditions are Dumb
This might be the only holiday of the year with nothing – absolutely nothing – that we can point to as a tradition – other than getting a smoking deal on a new washer and dryer at Sears. (Is Sears still a thing?)
And we’re all somehow just okay with that, because we get off work on a random Monday in September. You know, unless you work in the service industry – then you’ve still gotta work. Or retail. Or the 40% of companies that will have some employees working this Labor Day. Then you definitely have to work today, because dammit, people need a new mattress!
A TYPICAL LABOR DAY CELEBRATION IN AMERICA:
The Real Reason You Celebrate is Dumb
Fun fact: In Spain, workers are entitled to a legal minimum of 30 calendar days of annual leave, presumably to polish their flamenco and eat old, stale bread topped with tomatoes. In Italy, it’s only 20 days. But everyone knows that even on workdays, Italians put in like three hours then go home to drink red wine all afternoon with their moms. No wonder the trains are always late. It’s five weeks in France. Even in the UK, home to Ebenezer Scrooge, there’s a 28 days mandatory minimum. In fact, when many countries use the word “holiday” they’re actually referring to a few weeks off.
Meanwhile, in America, bupkis.
ITALIANS HARD AT WORK:
Maybe the real reason we fabricate all of these fake bullshit Tinkerbell-ass holidays in this country is because we work harder than everybody else and we’re fucking tired.
So in order to get a day off, we all collectively agree to lie to ourselves about how 150 years ago on this day, Abraham Lincoln gave up smoking or some shit; whatever it takes to unglue ourselves from our desk chairs and remind ourselves what our children look like.
Just please, can we have one damn day off? Little Timmy’s sick and he’s gonna die by the end of the book if you don’t do something.
We have an idea. Let’s stop all the madness, take the time off we deserve, and save the bullshit for the Trump tweets.
The Decorations are Dumb
Normally, this is where I would make fun of the holiday’s decorations. And I really wanted to make fun of all the stupid decorations this holiday has, then I realized: THERE ARE NO FUCKING DECORATIONS FOR LABOR DAY, BECAUSE IT’S NOT A REAL GODDAMN HOLIDAY. I guess I’ll have to just skip this section.
I’ll tell you what, if you’re one of those people who puts up an American flag on Labor Day as if on this day in 1846, Abraham Lincoln invented Hot Pockets®, just think of some really awful (but funny) way to make fun of yourself for it, and let us know what it is. If it’s funny enough, we’ll publish it here. Because really? … Why do you do that?
Now Buy Our Stuff
Give Me Money to Not Work
We’re starting a campaign to take back your Mondays! (#takebackmonday)
Taking off work on Labor Day is arbitrary. We should instead take off our own random Mondays. I’m getting us started by taking off a random Monday on your command.
That’s right, your money might not be able to buy you happiness, but now it can buy mine! Click below to give $100. In exchange, I’ll play hookie on a random Monday.
If you have any suggestions for what I should do on my paid day off, please provide those as well. Please, nothing illegal and nothing involving alpacas. I hate alpacas. I mean, just look at that thing. Is it even from Planet Earth? It looks like the Napoleon Dynamite of the animal kingdom. Fuck you, alpaca, quit laughing at me.
What else do you get for your $100? Absolutely nothing. Bupkis. You get screwed. Just like the American worker.
YOU PAY $100. I TAKE A RANDOM MONDAY OFF.
Looking for excuses for your hookie day?
Instead of taking Labor Day off, ask your boss if you can swap it for another holiday that means more to you. We recommend National Masturbation Day on July 21st, but hey, that’s just us.
You could try replacing other holidays as well. Here are a few ideas:
- “I don’t celebrate Christmas. I celebrate the day that I found out Santa wasn’t real. Which incidentally was December 26th, when I asked my mom why I didn’t get Claudia Schiffer in a bikini for Christmas. I was mature for a 9 year-old.“
- “I don’t celebrate Groundhog Day. Instead, I celebrate Octopus day. It’s the day that my pet octopus, Clyde, tells me who’s going to win the Super Bowl. We place a bet, then we go out for ice cream. (Yes, Octopuses eat ice cream, octopus-hater. And no, Clyde isn’t a dumb name for an octopus.)“
- “I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Instead I celebrate the day Sandra broke up with me. I call it ‘Sandra, You Cheating Whore Day.‘ It involves baking lots of cakes then crying into them. On our anniversary, Sandra, really? So yeah, I can’t come into work.“
- “I don’t take my own birthday off each year. Instead, I take off for Dave from Accounting’s birthday. I eat exactly as much cake as the previous year, plus 5% more for interest.“
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